Category Archives: Funny

Oxymorons

I often get peeved when people use English words incorrectly, because they never bothered to look in the dictionary. Ignorance these days is no longer bliss, my friend…the internet is at your fingertips, so why not look up the definition of something first, before opening your mouth and inserting your foot?

Very recently, I heard an Australian politician (who shall not be named, mainly because I’ve forgotten who it was) make a statement to the press, where he used the word “Oxymoron” to imply stupid people. He probably thought he was being clever.

Umm…Mr.Politician. The joke is on You. “Oxymoron” does NOT mean stupid people. What else did you not research before you took office in politics? Now, because you’ve used that word incorrectly and the papers have printed it, thousands of readers will be following your example and using their new word with great glee, unaware that they’re the blind following the blind. Congratulations on successfully spawning a whole new generation of “English speakers”.

Don’t even get me started on spelling mistakes.

For those who don’t know, the word Oxymoron means a phrase in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined. Here are some of my favourite examples of oxymorons, courtesy of Google Images.

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As for Mr.Politician, he is either clearly confused, or an honest politician. :-)

Into The Woods

Recently, The Kid and I went to watch “Into The Woods”. (Spoiler alert, stop reading now if that sort of thing bothers you). We knew it had Meryl Streep and Johnny Depp in it, and also Chris Pine and Anna Kendrick. We also knew Emily Blunt played the role of the Baker’s Wife. We had an idea it was a big screen adaptation of a Musical by Stephen Sondheim.

We had no idea it would be so twisted, tongue in cheek and morbidly fun. And that it would not stop after the requisite fairytale ending, but carry on literally into the woods, where it became darker and more sinister than before.

Essentially the story revolves around the Baker and his Wife, who are childless. Then there are also not one but two Prince Charmings, Cinderella, Rapunzel, Little Red Riding Hood, The Wolf, a Grandmother, a Single Mother, Jack and a couple of giant beanstalks and Giants. Throw in the Witch, who really isn’t that wicked but just would really, really like her youth and beauty restored. And a list of 4 simple items which the Baker and his Wife must procure in order for them to have a baby. Such items being:

1) A Cow as white as milk
2) A Cape as red as blood
3) Hair the colour of corn
4) A shoe as yellow as gold

Of which of course Jack of the beanstalk fame would provide the first, Red Riding Hood the second, Rapunzel the third (or maybe not), and Cinderella the fourth. And the poor cow, who had been dead and miraculously resurrected by the Witch, would have to then eat all 4 items. I bet that would’ve killed it again, poor thing.

But anyway, at the end of the first half of the movie, the Witch was beautiful and young again, the Baker and his Wife had an instant and rather large bun in the oven, ready to pop soon, the Giant was dead, Rapunzel had her Prince, and Cinderella hers…though this Cinderella was in two minds about whether she should go or stay with her Prince Charming. I think she knew there could be bigger and better things for her if she didn’t just stop at the first Prince to kiss her. Good girl.

But then the Giant’s Wife comes down a giant beanstalk, that had grown from a bean that had been carelessly cast into the ground by Cinderella when the Baker’s Wife had tried to trade it for one of her golden shoes earlier. (Yes, it was one of Those parties). The Giantess naturally wanted revenge on wee Jack, who had slain her husband.

Meanwhile, while all sorts of things were going on in the woods, the Baker’s Wife encounters Cinderella’s Prince Charming, who seduces her. When she asks how he could do such a thing, as he’s newly married to Cinderella, he shrugs and says “I was raised to be charming, not sincere”. And seduces the Baker’s Wife even more.

After Prince Charming’s ridden off into the sunset, the Baker’s Wife has a soliloquy, pondering what had just happened.

There are vows, there are ties
There are needs, there are standards,
There are shouldn’ts and shoulds.
Why not both instead?
There’s the answer, if you’re clever:
Have a child for warmth,
And a baker for bread,
And a prince for whatever —
Never!
It’s these woods.

Just remembering you’ve had an “and”
When you’re back to “or”
Makes the “or” mean more
Than it did before.
Now I understand —
And it’s time to leave the woods.

Upon which suddenly the Giantess appears, causing the ground to shake. The Baker’s Wife runs for cover, and we see her hover against a backdrop of cliffs…then zoot! She’s gone.

I want to know why the writers decided that the Baker’s Wife had to die because she committed adultery, while Prince Charming gets away scot free…and especially when it was He who seduced Her. He won’t even have to get a divorce from Cinderella, as theirs was a marriage presumably unconsummated, due to the chaos caused by the Giantess so soon after their wedding.

Cinderella, who may have gotten clean away from Prince Charming and gone on to count the latest as a lucky escape, ends up holding the baby, literally, and even volunteers to help look after the Baker’s now 3 children, and cook and clean for him. Back to square one for that missy, then. Oh yes, the Baker, who had previously had no children, now finds himself saddled with a wee bairn, and Red and Jack, who are now both motherless and have no other family.

Hmmm…something’s not quite right in that twisted tale. The only “happily ever after” that I can see could have been that of Rapunzel and Her Prince Charming, last seen galloping away together on horseback. Rapunzel might have discovered that her Prince Charming has a fetish for long hair and since she no longer has that, he might turn to eating corn on the cob and hoarding the silk, and she might have grown fat after discovering all the sweet and delicious pastries and cakes that the Witch had neglected to supply her with while stuck in the Tower.

We’ll never know for sure. Maybe
there is no such thing as “Happily Ever After”. There is no Mr Right, just Mr Right Now. Adulterers get away with adultery. Some even become serial adulterers, when they’re not being stomped on by Giantesses or falling off cliffs. Or when they have mighty steeds upon which to gallop away on. Cinderellas might find being single and carefree preferable to being tied down to a vapid, vain Lothario. Witches might find it more convenient to a abandon their vegetable patches and grow magic mushrooms underground instead, thus avoiding having to curse a neighbour and his family with infertility and start the whole sorry story snowballing.

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(Image source: Google Images)

You Had One Job (Or, Why I Could Never Work In Retail)

The Kid taught me something today. And I taught him something too. He taught me that there was an entire world of fun to be found online, that was devoted to what I’d have simply called Spelling Blunders or Grammatical Mistakes. It’s called “You Had One Job”.

“You Had One Job” relates to blunders by people that ultimately lead to FAIL signs on website images. Sometimes it’s known by its longer title, “You had One Job, ONE JOB!”, to be read in a stern and escalating tone of voice.

So that was what The Kid showed me today. And for my part, I showed him the “Secret Door” to Pinterest. The poor guy had been taking Pinterest at face value, simply looking at images and pinning them to his own boards. When I showed him how, by simply clicking on a Pinterest image, he could be swept away into the vortex of another website containing more images and information, you could hear the cogwheels in his brain go KA-CHUNK!! Mind Blown. Welcome to the real world of Pinterest, Kiddo!

For today’s post, I’ve put together a few of my favourites, from the retail world. This is one of the reasons I could never work in Retail. I’d be either dying from laughter, or else I’d take it upon myself to be the Grammar Police, and waste all my time running around correcting these blunders.

(All images here were found on Pinterest).

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WordPress Sent Me This

This is WordPress’s Yearly Report which was emailed to me on New Year’s Day. Click on the link below and be transported to a magical wonderland! 😄

http://alyzenmoonshadow.com/2014/annual-report/

Interesting reading, and good to know which posts were the most popular, and which days were the best for capturing viewers. (I let them go again, of course, after capturing them, poor little hummingbirds). After a solid 365 days of continuous blogging every single day, (give or take a few mishaps with time zones and accidental deletions), here’s what I’ve learnt:

1) it takes months to raise your profile. My viewer stats jumped from the low dozens to over 100 after 6 months of consistent blogging. It’s levelled off now at around 80 a day. I must be making the coffee right. I need to work on my cupcakes, I think…then perhaps my blog will get read daily by thousands of people around the world, not just a hundred. If that happens, I shall blame my mouthwateringly delicious, yummy, moreish cupcakes. And run out to the shops for more eggs, milk, sugar and flour.

2) don’t ask me how some bloggers can post up one simple photo without even a caption, and get viewed over 30000 times immediately. I don’t know how and that has never happened to me. I think I would faint if it did. Besides, a good image always deserves a good caption, the punnier the better.

3) also, don’t ask me how bloggers get into the golden circle of Blog Awards. I have never been invited and I don’t think I swim in the same ocean as these super bloggers. I’m a squid. I write with ink.

4) blog readers have busy lives too, so on weekends and public holidays, expect to see your viewer stats take a nosedive. Unless you’re Santa Claus writing from the North Pole, of course. Then I’m afraid your busiest times will be from September to December, but you might as well go surfing the rest of the year. I hear Western Australia has excellent beaches.

5) it’s always fun to plunder Google Images and Pinterest for a compilation of cute, artistic, unusual or funny images that you can curate and present on a different platter. YouTube throws up some video gems too, sometimes. Other times it just throws up.

6) try to link up your Social Media sites to automatically share your award-winning writing with everyone you can think of. But be careful when connecting the dots, don’t overdo it. One mistake I made was linking up too many sites so that my posts ended up pinging off each other and triplicating all over the place, like Triffids. I was never good at programming electronic circuitry.

7) always try to have an image or more in your blog posts. This really helps when sharing your post to other sites, as many Social Media sites like to use images to pull in the punters, so to speak. A hook to hang your hat on, in other words.

8) I seem to have picked up a penchant for making lists. Yay, me!

And here is today’s token image, courtesy of Google Images:
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A Good Pun…

…is its own reword LOL. IT’S Pun Time again, Round Two. Every now and then I like to look on Google Images for puns that tickle my funny bone. Now, my funny bone, or elbow joint if you will, has certainly suffered a lot this year…and I mean that in all seriousness, no pun intended. I’m talking tennis elbow here OUCH.

I got it from throwing loaded balls in the swimming pool. Ok, perhaps I should explain. Shelagh, our pit bull darling best dog in the world, loves swimming. Or more specifically, throwing herself into the pool to catch her favourite Ball. Now, Ball used to be a soccer ball, he was kinda old already when we found him in the bushes in our garden, but after a year of being ravaged by puppy dog teeth, he’s now just a thickskinned round sac with an opening big enough to put a hand in ooo errr… not sure that came out right LOL. So when I say “loaded ball” I mean Ball gets dipped in the pool so he fills up with water. And That’s when I launch him into the air and Shelagh either leaps up to catch him in mid-air, or jumps into the water to “rescue” him. Either way, Shelagh always gets her Ball. And my elbow tendons get more inflamed.

Wow, wasn’t that a lengthy explanation. Anyway, here are some short and sweet puns I’ve curated from Google, to cheer you up after all that.

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Spelling & Grammar

One of my pet peeves is the plethora of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors that abound on the internet these days. Or should that read as Two of my pet peeves?
Whatever the case, I just wish people would learn to read and write English correctly. It beggars belief that even teachers are getting it wrong…if They don’t know the difference between its and it’s, to and too, were and where, etc then how the hell are our children expected to get that right?

Here are just some of the biggest and funniest bloopers I’ve culled from Google Images.

image …Must have skipped Spelling classes a lot.

image And he strikes again!

image Will someone please sack him already?!

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Damn you, Autocorrect!

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She’ll never live it down…

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A great example of how effective spelling or, in this case, mis-spelling, can be.

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Whoever wrote this is clearly very confused.

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Copy that.

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I shudder at the image forming in my mind. Those thongs…whether European as in teeny tiny ladies underwear or Australian as in flip flop slippers, either are just as bad.

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Identity crisis.

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Bovine or Equine?

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I doubt the examiner passed his or her own exams.

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Oh, really, no regrets??

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Well, I’ll be a Frog Prince!

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I wonder what that would be like to use as toilet paper…

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Teachers FAIL.

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Wow, how does porn even happen by accident?

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Nope, they really won’t know.

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I guess Customers will just have to find parking elsewhere.

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No doubt the Moran family will feel insulted.

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Dont evan go their. 😂

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…because here is an example of their handiwork.

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Only in America…

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Keep your children well away from these cowboy messers.

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And I wonder why…

So, please..
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Take a couple of minutes to digest this, for your own sake. It might save your life someday.

Idle Hands…

What do Kim Kardashian’s recent nude bottom photos and these obviously Photoshopped mutant animals have in common?

Idle hands and creative minds, that’s what.

Never mind the big hooha over KK’s ample backside, we all know every pic that gets into a glossy mag has been Photoshopped and airbrushed to perfection. Take a look at these imaginary mutant animals, and wonder at the inventiveness of their digital creators. They may not be in the tabloids, but they’re certainly more interesting and newsworthy than recent events. (BTW I didn’t see That photo, just a parody of it using a coffee machine. Disgraceful! I don’t even know who KK is, as I don’t read the tabloids, however it IS very hard to escape these things on Facebook!)

Just goes to show you can’t trust what you see with your own eyes these days. (All photo credits and copyrights belong to their rightful owners, there are too many to cite here. You guys and gals are soooo talented!).

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Posted from WordPress for Android.

http://www.alyzenmoonshadow.wix.com/alyzenmoonshadow

One born every second…

My 12-year-old son and I have a thing going about TV adverts at the moment. I got tired of hearing him saying he wanted this and that toy, so I challenged him to question every ad with “Want or Need?”.  He’s coming round to my way of thinking now, after all this is his Mum who can go into a thrift shop and come out with 2 bags full of Lego pieces for just $10.  We’ve even taken to couponning … well, not quite. We do play McDonald’s current game “Drop Into Macca’s” on our mobile phones, though – but only to win free food prizes. We do the same for Hungry Jack’s (that’s Burger King to the rest of the world). Sometimes, there really is a free meal.

But I digress. We’ve found so far that only a minute proportion of Australian TV advertisements actually sell anything that you would really need. The rest is just plain consumerist marketing tosh. First they feed you the Want, then when your finances are shot to hell, they feed you the Solution by way of cash loans at exorbitant rates, or 0% credit cards for 9 months, after which the exorbitant rates will hit you anyhow, because you’d have been lulled into a false sense of security just by moving your debts to that other card, and you’d have forgotten the original purpose of doing so, which was to get rid of your debt in the first place.

Today I was surfing the internet for misleading or false advertisements, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it really is funny as in haha funny, how gullible consumers can be. And then there are the real dozy bloopers, whether intentional or not. There really is a sucker born every second, and that’s a fact!  Go on, laugh!

(Source: Google Images)

false advertising

Supermarket staff are clearly not tested on their Math skills these days. I wonder if consumers are any the wiser.  I’ve personally seen toys at a local toy store marked “Was $14.99, save $10, now $24.99″. Or, how about this “Massive discount! Was $34.99, now $34.98″. Here in Australia, where there are no 1 or 2 cent coins, you better make sure you pay for that great bargain by card, where at least they charge you the actual price, otherwise if you pay by cash, no one’s gonna have any change to give you, matey!

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Uh huh, that old forced perspective trick. Yup, the burgers really are nothing like their mugshots. They’re marginally better at Hungry Jack’s, though. Now, Hungry Jack’s advertises that their burgers are better…and they really are better tasting, and better value for money. Their fries are crap, though.

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I wonder if the blurb actually said  the 2 Snickers bars would be the same size as the normal one?  I’d like to see what the small print says on the wrapper. I used to work in the UK regulating the control of misleading advertisements, so this Could technically be a pass, if all Snickers is saying is that there are 2 Snickers bars in that wrapper, and Not 2 normal sized Snickers bars.

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Blackest strawberries I’ve ever seen!

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Wow.  Just wow. I never knew Tropicana made bacon. Oink!

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I wonder how this store makes a living, or how it’s even still open?

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Hmmm…reminds me of a certain hi-tech mobile phone purportedly “Made in America”…Here in our local supermarket, they have bread “Baked fresh in-store. Comes from Ireland”. Fastest delivery times, ever?!

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I don’t know about other countries, but here in Western Australia, they jack up the prices of everything to three times their usual RRP, keep it there for a couple of months, and then proclaim a Mid-Season Half Price sale. Do the math.

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I wonder how many people fell for this. Not too many, I hope! Maybe not false advertising, but rather “Marketing for the Mathematically Challenged”?

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I have 30 “boneless chickens” incubating right now. Is this evolution or devolution for poultry?  Which came first, the chicken or the boneless chicken?

Elements of Design

Have you got 5 minutes free time and don’t know what to do? Why not be creative and make yourself a pictorial quote? I’m not sure what the real term is for these things, but you know the ones I mean…those cute and quirky quotes that go along with equally cute and quirky backgrounds. Memes?? It’s very popular on Facebook at the moment. Instead of commenting in boring old plain text, why not find some quotable quotes online and share them instead? Okay I may have started that trend, shame on me LOL.

Anyway, today I’d like to share a quick and fun tutorial with you. See, with just 2 simple Apps you can create your own pictorial quotes and amaze your friends. Don’t worry if you, like me, can’t draw, it’s all done for you.

Yes, just 2 Apps:
InstaQuote for iOS
InstaQuote for Android

Elements of Design for Android

Note: Elements of Design is a Live Wallpaper. When you load it, it doesn’t show up as an App on your smartphone, but rather in a folder called “Live Wallpaper”. The beauty of this App is that you can set numerous parameters and tweak various elements and then to save, simply take screenshots of the action. (Sorry, iOS Apple users, I don’t think the Live Wallpaper option is available on your device, neither will you find Elements of Design on iTunes. But I’m sure you can find tonnes of other similar Apps on the iTunes store for this purpose).

Here’s the blurb on Elements of Design, taken from the Google Playstore:

Turn your background into a beautiful abstract work of art with this fully customizable, animated live wallpaper! Combine some of the most popular elements of contemporary graphic design into animated eye candy with the touch of a finger! Overwhelmed by the number of options? Choose from one of 16 preset themes!

Watch flowering vines weave across the screen, add an animated honeycomb background, or make elements appear with a single touch. This full version has plenty of beautiful options to keep your phone fresh and your eyes entertained!

Right, so today I came up with a funny quote that I wanted to share with my friends. And, being lazy, I wanted to create something original but which I could do in less than 5 minutes.

To do this, I opened up InstaQuote on my trusty Samsung Galaxy S4. I left the background blank (or defaulting to whatever) while I worked my quote into the text field.

Then, I simply set up Elements of Design, played with the parameters, then took some screen snapshots. I then loaded the screenshot I liked that I thought would work best, and placed it into the background. I didn’t even have to crop my background image, InstaQuote did that for me.

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Et voila! An Instant Quote (well, more or less).

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😄😇😆

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You’ve come a long way, baby!

Some ads from the 1950s and even earlier: (as seen on Pinterest)

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And who uses these appliances?

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That’s right! The lady of the house! Look at that beatific smile on her face as she irons, washes, hangs out the clothes, sews, scrubs and mops! Doesn’t she look like she’s enjoying every last second of it?

(Cue sound of DJ scratching record)

Luckily, you’ve come a long way, baby. Here are some household appliances, gadgets and innovations the modern house already has, should have, or will have in the very near future: (images also taken from Pinterest)

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All to make your life much easier…after you’ve just returned home from a long day at work and find that you’re still expected to cook, clean and tidy up after the kids and the husband.

Luckily, there are always willing slaves to help you out…The following images are from a witty little book called “Porn for Women” ;).

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Like I said, you’ve come a long way, baby!

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