Tag Archives: relationships

Heartbreak Hotel

A friend recently celebrated her news of not being single anymore. She followed this with a series of photos of happy dates with her handsome young man, holding hands, smooching, walking on the beach, hanging out at bars, walking the dog etc etc. Pictures of perfect domestic bliss. I felt happy for her. Everyone did.

Then, just as suddenly, the photos stopped coming. There was a short silence. And then this friend re-emerged. Only this time, it was a totally different story she was telling.

Apparently our two lovebirds had misunderstood the signals they’d been giving out. One evening over a romantic dinner She’d blurted out those three little words “I love you”.

The next morning He sent her a text saying “I don’t think we should see each other anymore”.

What makes a man run? What is it about the thought of commitment that gives him wings? I don’t think the fault lies in our hapless heroine. Whatever the case may be, He’s certainly proven by his cowardly actions that he doesn’t deserve her. Maybe we should say She had a lucky escape…if she’d continued down the path she was on with Him, no doubt she would have ended up being let down sooner or later, and the outcome would’ve still been the same. Better to nip it in the bud, or rather, better that the bud chose to fall off by itself.

I felt sorry for my friend, and I searched on Google Images to see what other people in the same boat as her thought. Turns out there are quite a few people who had been through similar disastrous relationships and break ups.

Here are some gems:

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

So girl, don’t sell yourself short. You deserve better than that sorry assed bozo. He’ll look back one day and kick himself for having let you go so easily, while he went chasing other skirts. Meanwhile, you just hold your head up high, girl, adjust your tiara and MOVE ON!

Watchers

You say you’re my friend
Yet you simply stand by
And watch me fall

You claim to have my best interests
Yet your loyalty is divided
As you watch me fall

You say you’re on my side
Yet your actions indicate otherwise
As you watch me fall

You say you’d be there for me
Yet you take a step backwards
As you watch me fall

Well now you can really stand by
Now you can stop pretending
Now you can show your true faces
As you watch me rise

With friends like these
Who needs enemies
I’ve learnt my lesson
Don’t trust the snake in the grass
No matter how pretty it is
Its venom is still as deadly
No matter, first you watched me fall
Now watch me rise again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
(The above poem was inspired by this quote by Rumi, and also by certain recent events in my life):
image

Why Dogs are better than Humans

The more I work with dogs, the more I realise how each and every one of them is a person with four legs and a tail who just happens to be wearing a fur coat. I can’t say that little dogs have less personality than big dogs; some of them are the most charming and outgoing ones. There are dogs that love to clown around, some are obsessed with fetching things, others like their squeaky toys, some just like to laze around snoozing all day, some will even lie in a paddling pool to cool down on a hot day. There are serious dogs, timid dogs, sweet and affectionate dogs, pretty dogs, clumsy dogs, exuberant dogs, smart dogs, not so smart dogs. Rather like people, really.

image

I love dogs and I really admire their propensity to love a human being, even if in the past they may have been abandoned, surrendered, mistreated, neglected, used as a puppy mill etc. Their resilience and ability to spring back from the brink is awe-inspiring. The most abused, neglected and mistreated dog can, with a lot of time, patience, calm training and love, return to a sense of normalcy and forgive human beings for their past trespasses.

A dog will love you unconditionally. That has been said a billion times, and it’s absolutely true. A dog will stay true to you, stand by your side, protect and defend you, exactly what you’d expect friends to do for one another.

A dog may get vocal when it sees you playing with the dog next door. You’re meant to be His/Hers, what are you doing with the mutt next door? The dog may show its displeasure by barking and growling, and making you feel uncomfortable. And yet, when you return to that dog and resume your affections, it forgives you immediately and returns to being the loveable being it is.

image

Humans aren’t as transparent though. That’s because we have Egos that need stroking, and we also like good gossip and scandals. The more fantastical the story, the better. So, when it comes to relationship breakdowns, when there are mutual friends involved, rather than choose to take sides and lend their support to their chosen side, humans like to pretend to be friends with both parties, and even act as spies for one party against the other. Rather than getting their facts straight from the horse’s mouth, they instead prefer to hear it from the party they have the most interaction with, more often than not the charming one with the voice of gold, who of course will convince them that the other party is mad. It makes for better gossip, you see. Oh, the games people play!

I say to anyone who’s caught in the middle in a situation like this – before you start playing mind games and spy games, get your facts right, listen to BOTH sides of the story first. Don’t just assume you know the full story, because you don’t if you’ve only heard one side. Otherwise, you just might find that you’ve been backing the wrong horse.

And this is why I prefer animals over people. Animals will let you know the truth each and every time. Humans can be such manipulative liars and cheats. With animals, what you see is what you get. With humans, it’s The Emperor’s New Clothes and The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

So the next time someone calls you a b%÷×h, thank them sweetly and move on. Because b%÷×hes are dogs, and dogs are better friends and people than human beings.

image

Advice for my Sisters

The heart is a fickle organ
That goes against the beat
It longs to find that special person
With whom things will be sweet
And awesome
And cool
And hot at the same time

The heart has no ears but it can hear
The faintest footstep or tremor
It yearns to hear the magic words
“I will love You forever,
You are the Only One
The Love of my Life
There is no one else”

Which is all very well indeed
If only those words were true
My Sisters of the World, beware
The Charmer who says it to you
If his words are like silk
Or gold or honey
Oh honey, he doesn’t mean them

He’s toying with your hearts, you see
You’re Not the Only One
You’ve been charmed out of the trees
So He can have his fun
With you, and you,
And you, and you,
And you, and you and you.

He’ll tell you what you want to hear
And you’ll believe it too
His previous loves hurt him so bad
His ex is a piece of poo
Or crazy, or nuts
Or just vindictive
…everything but Right about him

Hearts can be broken by love or pain
And Charmers know how to play
The Chase and Game are exciting
But Sisters, at the end of the day
The only victor is him, not you
The minute you find out the truth
He’s moved on to the next One

And then you simply stand and stare
With disbelief as he plays the field
With your friends, your Sisters
Who lowered their shield
When they heard the cock crow
And thought it magnificent
Until they saw…it’s just a lark

So, my dear Sisters of the World
Who may share my pain
Or maybe you believe you’re The One
And that I am insane
The day will come
The scales will fall
And you will truly see

For if he can cheat on me with you
Trust me, he’ll cheat on you
Don’t fall for the silky voiced Charmer
If you really want a man who’s true
Is it a mid-life crisis, you wonder
Well, if it is, my dear
It’s the longest mid-life ever

image
(Found this on Google Images, under “Beware the Charmer”)

ONE IS WONDERFUL

The breakdown of my marriage has taught me several things. Things that I’m grateful for, and that I actually thank my dearest darling (ex)husband for, because if he hadn’t decided to taste the Forbidden Fruit become a Frequent Diner at the Bar of the Forbidden Fruit last year, and if I hadn’t discovered the true extent of his infidelity and lies, I would never have embarked on my own voyage of self-discovery. So yes, strange as it may seem, I’m grateful that what happened, happened.

So, while he indulges in wanton acts of debauchery, both virtual and in real life, I’ve turned inwards instead. While he looks for happiness in the pleasures of the flesh, I’ve found my own Happiness within. While he whispers sweet nothings to his many online girlfriends, I’m looking after my own Mind, Body and Spirit. While he posts up photos of himself with leggy exotic dancers wrapped around him like a boa constrictor, with their sinuous tongues writhing in his ear, and his similarly febrile-minded friends cheer him on without a care for discretion or morals, I’m busy studying so I can get a job doing what I love, and hopefully be financially independent of him in the not too distant future.

And while he has resumed online communications with the American Cougar that first started wrecking our marriage in 2012, I’m pleased to report that I too, have fallen in love. I’ve learnt to love Myself. And it’s a simply wonderful feeling to wake up each morning and feel happy just to be on my own, and throughout the day to appreciate my own uniqueness, creativity, compassion, etc and then in the evening to curl up on the couch with my own company, my dogs at my feet, a good book and a nice hot cup of tea before bedtime. Bliss!

image

So, it’s become very clear to me that my dear darling husband and I are heading in totally opposite directions. He to hedonistic hotspots in Hell. Me to pastures far greener than I’ve ever imagined. It is what it is. We make our own destinies.

I was in conversation with one of hubby’s ex-girlfriends, (yes, I’m That sort of wife who would not only strike up a friendship with her husband’s girlfriends, but also help them out of sticky situations he’s left them in. My life bears some similarities to the film “The Other Woman“, though of course I can’t compete with Cameron Diaz and her female co-stars in the looks department, and He for sure doesn’t look at all like Nicolaj Coster-Waldau, but more like a pill-shaped Minion. I’m referring to the idea that the Wife and Mistresses could become friends).

image

So, this particular Other Woman. She said to me, “If you know of any man looking for a wife, tell him about me, please. I need to find a man to make me happy”. You know, I had to laugh at the absurdity of it. First of all, I don’t make it a point to go looking for men or relationships anymore. Hubby finds that hard to believe, but that’s just because of where he is right now as a person, what he’s addicted to.

Secondly, even if I did know of a man looking for a wife, this Other Woman would not come highly recommended. Not at all. After all, hasn’t she already proven that being faithful is not one of her virtues? That she doesn’t believe in the sanctity of marriage, hands off married men, don’t even go there? Oh, the irony! No use saying you were only “Practising my English”, dahling.

Thirdly, (Heterosexual) Ladies, listen up. You Don’t Need A Man to be Happy. Happiness does not rely on finding Mr Perfect (who, by the way, is just a figment of your imagination). Happiness is right here, right now, in Yourself. Learn to love Yourself first, and everything else falls in line, as Lucille Ball once said. That yearning ache in your heart, that lonely feeling, that hole in your chest? That’s not going to be filled by a Man. That is actually your Soul telling yourself to look within and you will find the Happiness you were searching for.

Now, I say this to my fellow Sisters of the World, you who have spent countless hours, days and nights fretting about how to “tame” your man so he behaves himself and isn’t tempted to stray (again). Remember that if he wants to change, nothing can stop him. But if he doesn’t want to change, he will have a million excuses. And remember also that You CANNOT change a man, only he can change himself. And that it takes a Great Man to accept that he’s flawed/made a big mistake and needs to change. Minions need not apply.

One is Wonderful because One is Loved by Oneself.
image

Two, Three, One

Two
The number of Happiness and Hope
Of Plans, Ideas, Ambitions
Of Things done together
Of Safety, Security, A Common Goal
Of Dreams to be realised
Of Visions to behold
Of Places visited hand in hand
Of Sunsets witnessed
Of Kisses, Caresses
Of Whispers of Sweet Nothings
And Everything to come

Three
The number of Chaos and Turmoil
Of Lies and Deceit
Of Cunning and Stealth
Of The Grass Being Greener
Of Apathy, Boredom, Curiosity
Of Planning together to leave
Of Running Away and Hiding
Of Insatiable Carnal Appetites
Of Hurt and Confusion
Of Trying or Not Trying
And Nothing to come

One
The number of the Warrior
Of Standing Alone and Solitude
Of Stoicism and Resolve
Of Determination, Grit and Guts
Of Finding and Knowing Oneself
Of Enlightenment and Awakening
Of Leaving Things Behind
Of Loving and Caring for Oneself
Of Happiness and Hope
Of Plans, Ideas, Ambitions
Of Everything to come

image
(Image from Google, quote by Alexander Den Heijer)

Quotes about Sociopaths

Yesterday I blogged about living with a Sociopath, and how to identify one in a crowd. As I did my research on the subject, I came across many picture quotes relating to Sociopaths and Psychopaths.

So, rather than waste the opportunity, I’m posting those quotes here for your enjoyment. They’re all sourced from Google Images.

Enjoy! And beware the charming Sociopath! You have been warned.

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

My Darling Sociopath

The words Sociopath and Psychopath are often used interchangeably; many prefer to use the first, as the second has darker connotations and an invariable association with the Hitchcock movie “Psycho”.

This website attempts to explain some differences between sociopaths and psychopaths. The main point being that psychopaths are born, it is in their genetic code. Whereas sociopaths are more the product of the environment the person had spent their formative years in. Other than that, many if not most of the traits are similar/identical, just with varying degrees. (Like how the colours mauve, purple, fuschia, lavender and lilac are variations of the red-blue colour spectrum). Or, Fifty Shades of Grey, my dear ;).

Here are some sites describing what a “Sociopath” is. It’s actually quite disturbing just how many sites there are that are dedicated to the research and investigation of this psychological condition. Apparently 4% of the world’s population are sociopaths. Mother God help us!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/how-spot-sociopath

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sociopath

http://m.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Sociopath

http://m.md-health.com/Sociopath-Traits.html

http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

Here’s a list of characteristics of a Sociopath, according to the last site above:

Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

You can even test yourself as to whether you are a Sociopath or not. Or if your husband/wife/partner is one. Be warned though, due to the inherent pathological lying nature of Sociopaths, these kind of tests may not necessarily always work…for one of the other signs is that a Sociopath knows how to play along and give the right answers. Even though he/she would be lying, of course.

I must confess what I’ve been denying to myself until now – I’ve been living with a Sociopath/Psychopath for the last 5 years. My Darling Sociopath exhibits 95% of the traits described above…or perhaps it is 100%, I can’t be sure, as what I’ve been told by him about his past is rather murky. Most recently, I threw in the towel and we have agreed to be separated under one roof. Until such a time as we are in a financial position to divvy up our assets and really go separate ways. It’s a great relief to no longer have to worry or care about whether he’s having more than one affair (of course he is), or whether he’s telling the truth (of course he’s not). We remain friends for now, though that’s somewhat tenuous too, depending on whose advice he’s been listening to, amongst his circle of family and friends.

Sociopaths are smooth talkers and can charm the birds out of the trees. I know, as I was one of those birds. It’s funny how when you’re in love you can make excuses for a person’s character faults and overlook any discrepancies or glitches. But then one day the scales fall off your eyes and suddenly you can see the real Truth of the situation. And it ain’t a purty picture. 😄

Of course My Darling Sociopath, if he bothers to read this post, would tell you that I’M the Sociopath, that I’M making all of this up and I’M the one exhibiting all the characteristics above. And those people currently under his charming spell would not like to admit to themselves that they have been cuckolded and hoodwinked by a consummate con artist.

Whatever. That’s their business, not mine. I can just see this scenario happening, though…”OMG, your ex is at it again. She’s really gone too far this time! She’s calling you a Sociopath, how dare she!! Quick, you better block her on every site connected to you, before she totally destroys your reputation!” 😄

image

Friends vs Family

We all know the saying, you can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends. The same goes for being able to choose your friends, but not your neighbours. It’s great when your neighbours become good friends, even better when your relatives become friends too.

Sadly, it doesn’t always pan out that way. Blood is thicker than water…but only when you choose it to be. Sometimes it’s our own relations who let us down the worst. And sometimes it’s our friends who prove that they are our true Family, by sticking by our side through thick and thin, sick and sin.

I have found this out the hard way.

Here are some quotes about Friends and Family that I’ve curated from Google Images. You might emphatise with some of them, or disagree, depending on your own circumstances. That’s perfectly fine. We all know our own tribe, after all.

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

I’ve always been the Lone Wolf. Fear me! 😄

When Love Fades…

One of Life’s most important Lessons is to learn when to give up gracefully and surrender. This is by no means being defeatist. Rather, it’s learning to let go of what no longer serves you, or what has become toxic to you, or what is simply holding you back. And only when you have allowed yourself to do that, will your Life be open again to new opportunities. No one but you yourself is blocking your Path, so you have to first acknowledge that fact, and then learn to get out of your own way.

Relationships are hard work. Each one of us is an individual, and whatever Law or Religion decreed that when 2 people get together to form a union, they would live happily ever after, is woefully misinformed. Cruel, in fact, to mislead many a young couple to skip down the rose-petal strewn aisle, believing that their path ahead is just as fragrant as the crushed flowers beneath their feet. The reality lies in the keyword “crushed”. Because, from thereon, when making decisions together as a couple, compromises are to be expected and made, and often it’s the will of the more dominant party that wins. While the other party may not mind at that time, there will come a time when they Will object and try to assert their own independent thought, which, if met head on by the dominant party’s ego, can only lead to things ending badly.

For any relationship to work, communication has to be two-way, and both parties have to work together to reach a conclusion that is acceptable to both. Things start to fall apart when communication is one-sided, or when one party lies to the other, or when one or even both parties has given up and abandoned the relationship.

The last scenario is actually the easiest to deal with, because there is no argument about it. By walking away from each other, the chessboard is vacated and the game ends with no winner, only losers.

Trouble brews when one party is trying to repair the relationship, but the other is apathetic, lazy or doesn’t feel there is anything wrong. Or, if said party knows full well what the problem is, but insists on pinning the blame on the other party. Playing the blame game is no fun.

While surfing Google Images for image quotes about relationships, I came across these, which I feel sum things up neatly:

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image

image