Why you need a dog and not a boyfriend

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Warning: sexual innuendos. And by the way, it’s all just for fun, and not directed at those of you who genuinely feel your life is not complete unless you snag yourself a boyfriend/husband. Poor sods.

I have the dubious pleasure of having survived several relationships with men in the past. All of them disastrous. Maybe I’m just too strongwilled for men. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person. Maybe I’m too old/ugly/bad-assed for them. Maybe all of the above. Whatever. I don’t mind, and I don’t really care.

I’m having too much fun getting to know dogs, and I really have no time to put up with materialistic posturing, lies and fake attempts to impress me. Neither do I have the time to pretend to be someone I’m not, for the sake of anyone else. That may sound selfish, but I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and believe me, unless you have met someone who shares the same passion as yourself, somewhere along the line things are going to unravel.

Dogs don’t suffer from these afflictions, thankfully. Dogs are Love, as simple as that.

Here are some reasons why you need a dog, and not a boyfriend/partner/husband:

1. A dog is always happy to see you. Period. Or no period. Dogs don’t care if you have a headache, they’ll hump your leg if they feel like it. Unless you have a treat for them instead. Chicken is a perfectly acceptable diversion. Or steak. A good steak can be hard to find though.

2. Crotch sniffing is a social no-no in the human world. But it is perfectly acceptable in the doggy world. In fact, it is a pre-requisite to getting to know you better. So smile, and put up with it. At least you know where your dog’s nose has been before that.

3. A dog will listen to you and agree with everything you say. Even if it doesn’t understand a single word coming out of your mouth. That doesn’t mean it’s stupid. It just means you’re spouting gibberish.

4. A dog will roll in shit for you. I doubt any man will ever contemplate doing that to impress a woman. Consider yourself honoured.

5. A dog will love you unconditionally. That’s a given. A man may say he loves you unconditionally, if only you were taller/slimmer/sexier/younger. What he really means is that you’re not rich enough to join him as a DINKY (dual income no kids yet). A dog doesn’t care if you have no money, as long as you have enough scraps to share with him.

6. A man can hog your bed and snore loudly enough to wake the entire neighbourhood. And if you say something about that, You’re a bad person. It’s incredibly hard to get a man to stop snoring or better still, move into the other bedroom permanently. It’s so much easier with dogs. All you do is let sleeping dogs lie, and mould your own body around your dog’s in bed. Be careful not to fall out of bed. The art is called “Petris” like the computer game, only with pets and more fun. The snoring can be cured with a gentle prod or two.

7. Take your dog out for a walk, and you will strike up conversations with total strangers. If your dog likes them, yay, they’re good folk. If he hates them, take his advice, dogs are great judges of character. Take your boyfriend out for a walk, and you’ll have to put up with his whinging, and no one else will talk to you.

8. You can never win an argument with a dog. Simply because you can never have an argument with a dog. They’re just too cute and awesome for that. Besides, dogs have no egos. They live in the here and now. “I love you, here and now” is their motto. Can’t argue with That!

9. A dog doesn’t care if you’re a lousy cook. If in doubt, just open a can. You don’t even have to buy fancy dinnerware, the floor is a perfectly good surface to eat off from. Your prospective human Mother-in-law would faint if she saw you feeding your boyfriend on the floor. Your dog wouldn’t mind one bit. Lots of licky bits on the floor to mop up afterwards…you probably won’t need to clean up. It’ll save you money on buying cleaning products.

10. Speaking of cleaning up, dogs make better dishwashers than boyfriends. Hmmm, that sentence could be construed both ways. Okay, for the sake of hygiene, maybe use your dog as an initial rinse to get rid of any stuck on bits, and don’t just put your plates and bowls back on the drying rack afterwards. Dogs don’t complain or ask for sexual favours in return for washing the dishes…unlike some human boyfriends.

10. Dogs don’t care if your hair is a mess, you have no make-up on, or if you smell funny. Okay, you will always smell funny to your dog, but he still loves you despite that. He loves you just the way you are. No boyfriend is capable of that. He’d be lying if he said as much.

11. All your dog cares about is the hugs you give him, the kisses, the conspirational one-sided conversations you have with him, and of course, the treats lying in store for him. A boyfriend is only interested in the hugs, kisses and ummm…”treats” lying in store for him. Okay, I’ll concede that you Can have a conspirational one-sided conversation with a boyfriend…but only if he’s fast asleep.

12. A dog is allowed to show his love and affection towards your friends, and you don’t have to worry about losing him to any of them. Try doing that with a human boyfriend.

13. A dog will always be loyal to you. He will never lie to you. He will never cheat on you. He will never betray you. He will stick by your side to the end. He will never question your motives or intentions. The same can not be said of boyfriends.

14. Your dog doesn’t mind if you’d rather watch a movie than make out on the couch. In fact, he’d rather you DIDN’T make out on the couch. Not in front of him, anyway. And certainly not With him. He’s just not that into you. Pass the remote, what’s on the box?

15. You can call your dog anything you want. He’ll love you no matter what you call him or do to him. You can dress your dog up in silly outfits if that tickles your fancy, and your dog won’t feel embarrassed by it. Whatever makes you happy, baby!

16. Your dog will never break your heart. Okay, he will just the one time, when he crosses over the Rainbow Bridge. Rest assured though, he will be waiting for you when it’s your turn. And he will be just as happy and delighted to be reunited with you then, as he is right now, when you’ve been gone just 5 minutes.

17. A dog’s idea of Heaven is to go to the park. Some dogs love running off-leash and come back to you for treats. Others are ball-obsessed and will play Fetch til they go all tongue-out panting and ribs-heaving tired. A boyfriend could be just as ball-obsessed, but he’s not playing the same game as your dog.

18. If you want a quiet night in and just cuddle up with your dog, he’s perfectly contented with that. You’d have to suggest to your human boyfriend to go play pool with his mates, or hang out at a bar, or use the old “not tonight, dear, I have a headache” excuse to get him out of the house and leave you in peace. Your dog would be happy just to be able to lay his head in your lap.

I could think of a few more compelling reasons to get a dog and forget the idea of a boyfriend, but I’ve laughed enough for today. Besides, my dog is looking at me with her soulful eyes, saying “Is it time for bed yet?”, so I will leave you for now. Enjoy your weekend!

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