Category Archives: Funny

Sewing Jokes

Here are some of my favourite funnies about the art and craft of sewing. I was trawling through Pinterest, and decided to look at what jokes or funny quotes I could find on the subject of sewing. 

That’s me, alright! I’m a Fabricologist. πŸ˜†

And this really is me, the resemblance is uncanny πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„!

I Craft, Therefore I Hoard

A few days ago as I was looking for fabric in a local thrift store I came across a large Peter Rabbit child’s canvas toy box for sale. It looked cute and was only $4. So I bought it. I intended to use it to stash my collection of fabrics that I’d somehow amassed over the last 3 months. Most of these fabrics are large remnants that I’d found for just $1 each. But there are others that are duvet covers in floral and geometric designs, or plain cotton linen blends, that I’d bought from the bed/table linen section of thrift stores, and they had cost between $6 and $8 each.

I’ve only been sewing clothes since July this year, and consider myself still very much a novice. I AM definitely improving daily the more I practice. Just wait til you see my latest creations, I’m quite proud of them πŸ˜‰.

Anyhow, I never realised just how big my fabric stash was, until I tried putting everything into the Peter Rabbit box. Talk about bulging at the seams! And, there’s Still fabric in plastic bags, stuffed underneath my printer table, and in a large plastic crate! Help, I’m a hoarder! πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„ 

I can’t help it…if I find something I think I can use later, and I don’t buy it, I know someone else will and then I’ll forever regret not getting it. So, rather than agonise over that scenario, I buy it. I consider it an act of salvation πŸ˜†. 

I found these quotes on Pinterest and had to chuckle at them, because they describe me to a T right now. And yes, my “sewing room”, which really is just the dining room table and chairs, is overflowing with all kinds of fabric scraps and what a normal person might call Rubbish.

But then, I’m far from normal πŸ˜„.

Why you need a dog and not a boyfriend

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Warning: sexual innuendos. And by the way, it’s all just for fun, and not directed at those of you who genuinely feel your life is not complete unless you snag yourself a boyfriend/husband. Poor sods.

I have the dubious pleasure of having survived several relationships with men in the past. All of them disastrous. Maybe I’m just too strongwilled for men. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person. Maybe I’m too old/ugly/bad-assed for them. Maybe all of the above. Whatever. I don’t mind, and I don’t really care.

I’m having too much fun getting to know dogs, and I really have no time to put up with materialistic posturing, lies and fake attempts to impress me. Neither do I have the time to pretend to be someone I’m not, for the sake of anyone else. That may sound selfish, but I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt, and believe me, unless you have met someone who shares the same passion as yourself, somewhere along the line things are going to unravel.

Dogs don’t suffer from these afflictions, thankfully. Dogs are Love, as simple as that.

Here are some reasons why you need a dog, and not a boyfriend/partner/husband:

1. A dog is always happy to see you. Period. Or no period. Dogs don’t care if you have a headache, they’ll hump your leg if they feel like it. Unless you have a treat for them instead. Chicken is a perfectly acceptable diversion. Or steak. A good steak can be hard to find though.

2. Crotch sniffing is a social no-no in the human world. But it is perfectly acceptable in the doggy world. In fact, it is a pre-requisite to getting to know you better. So smile, and put up with it. At least you know where your dog’s nose has been before that.

3. A dog will listen to you and agree with everything you say. Even if it doesn’t understand a single word coming out of your mouth. That doesn’t mean it’s stupid. It just means you’re spouting gibberish.

4. A dog will roll in shit for you. I doubt any man will ever contemplate doing that to impress a woman. Consider yourself honoured.

5. A dog will love you unconditionally. That’s a given. A man may say he loves you unconditionally, if only you were taller/slimmer/sexier/younger. What he really means is that you’re not rich enough to join him as a DINKY (dual income no kids yet). A dog doesn’t care if you have no money, as long as you have enough scraps to share with him.

6. A man can hog your bed and snore loudly enough to wake the entire neighbourhood. And if you say something about that, You’re a bad person. It’s incredibly hard to get a man to stop snoring or better still, move into the other bedroom permanently. It’s so much easier with dogs. All you do is let sleeping dogs lie, and mould your own body around your dog’s in bed. Be careful not to fall out of bed. The art is called “Petris” like the computer game, only with pets and more fun. The snoring can be cured with a gentle prod or two.

7. Take your dog out for a walk, and you will strike up conversations with total strangers. If your dog likes them, yay, they’re good folk. If he hates them, take his advice, dogs are great judges of character. Take your boyfriend out for a walk, and you’ll have to put up with his whinging, and no one else will talk to you.

8. You can never win an argument with a dog. Simply because you can never have an argument with a dog. They’re just too cute and awesome for that. Besides, dogs have no egos. They live in the here and now. “I love you, here and now” is their motto. Can’t argue with That!

9. A dog doesn’t care if you’re a lousy cook. If in doubt, just open a can. You don’t even have to buy fancy dinnerware, the floor is a perfectly good surface to eat off from. Your prospective human Mother-in-law would faint if she saw you feeding your boyfriend on the floor. Your dog wouldn’t mind one bit. Lots of licky bits on the floor to mop up afterwards…you probably won’t need to clean up. It’ll save you money on buying cleaning products.

10. Speaking of cleaning up, dogs make better dishwashers than boyfriends. Hmmm, that sentence could be construed both ways. Okay, for the sake of hygiene, maybe use your dog as an initial rinse to get rid of any stuck on bits, and don’t just put your plates and bowls back on the drying rack afterwards. Dogs don’t complain or ask for sexual favours in return for washing the dishes…unlike some human boyfriends.

10. Dogs don’t care if your hair is a mess, you have no make-up on, or if you smell funny. Okay, you will always smell funny to your dog, but he still loves you despite that. He loves you just the way you are. No boyfriend is capable of that. He’d be lying if he said as much.

11. All your dog cares about is the hugs you give him, the kisses, the conspirational one-sided conversations you have with him, and of course, the treats lying in store for him. A boyfriend is only interested in the hugs, kisses and ummm…”treats” lying in store for him. Okay, I’ll concede that you Can have a conspirational one-sided conversation with a boyfriend…but only if he’s fast asleep.

12. A dog is allowed to show his love and affection towards your friends, and you don’t have to worry about losing him to any of them. Try doing that with a human boyfriend.

13. A dog will always be loyal to you. He will never lie to you. He will never cheat on you. He will never betray you. He will stick by your side to the end. He will never question your motives or intentions. The same can not be said of boyfriends.

14. Your dog doesn’t mind if you’d rather watch a movie than make out on the couch. In fact, he’d rather you DIDN’T make out on the couch. Not in front of him, anyway. And certainly not With him. He’s just not that into you. Pass the remote, what’s on the box?

15. You can call your dog anything you want. He’ll love you no matter what you call him or do to him. You can dress your dog up in silly outfits if that tickles your fancy, and your dog won’t feel embarrassed by it. Whatever makes you happy, baby!

16. Your dog will never break your heart. Okay, he will just the one time, when he crosses over the Rainbow Bridge. Rest assured though, he will be waiting for you when it’s your turn. And he will be just as happy and delighted to be reunited with you then, as he is right now, when you’ve been gone just 5 minutes.

17. A dog’s idea of Heaven is to go to the park. Some dogs love running off-leash and come back to you for treats. Others are ball-obsessed and will play Fetch til they go all tongue-out panting and ribs-heaving tired. A boyfriend could be just as ball-obsessed, but he’s not playing the same game as your dog.

18. If you want a quiet night in and just cuddle up with your dog, he’s perfectly contented with that. You’d have to suggest to your human boyfriend to go play pool with his mates, or hang out at a bar, or use the old “not tonight, dear, I have a headache” excuse to get him out of the house and leave you in peace. Your dog would be happy just to be able to lay his head in your lap.

I could think of a few more compelling reasons to get a dog and forget the idea of a boyfriend, but I’ve laughed enough for today. Besides, my dog is looking at me with her soulful eyes, saying “Is it time for bed yet?”, so I will leave you for now. Enjoy your weekend!

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Dogs with beards

I was researching dog breeds on the internet, trying to find the closest match to own lotsabitsa dog, Scruffy. It occurred to me that there were quite a few breeds out there that sported trendy beards like my Scruffy does. And that they’re all so, so cute. So I’ve decided to share those images I found (on Pinterest, where else?) with you here.

Many of you will recognise the Bearded Collie. Or the Schnauzer. My personal favourite is the lesser-known Berger Picard, from France (the top 4 photos). I rather fancy having one of those gorgeous dogs, and my Scruffy does look a little like them, albeit a black & white version.

Do scroll right down to the last image, don’t skip it or you’ll miss out on a funny treat! πŸ˜‰

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The Bonus shot:

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Dog Noses

Did you know that dog noses are as individual as human fingerprints? That no two dogs have the exact same pattern of cracks and crevasses on their nose? That, just like how the Police are able to identify a person through their prints, so are dogs distinguishable from each other through their nose patterns. Strange, but true.

Did you know also that dogs are able to control either side of their nostrils independently? Ever wondered why they have those “cut-away” parts or slits on the sides of their nostrils? Those are to help the dog stir up more air particles so that whatever it’s sniffing, the scent and much more information about the object can be relayed to the dog’s brain. Humans can flare their nostrils to help them smell something, or, in some cultures, to look fierce. Dogs, on the other hand, do it with far more style and look far cuter.

Think you have a good sense of smell? Think again. Dogs are far superior to humans in that department. Your dog may well be able to literally smell you from a mile away. Awesome ability, that! No, not your smelliness.

Yes, doggy noses look weird, and can bear a remarkable similarity to black truffles. I find them fascinating πŸ˜„.

Anyway, here’s a line up of my favourite dog noses, curated from Google Images. A word of warning – the more you look at them, the funnier they get.

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Labels/Marmalade/People – Part I

Go to any shop and pick up a jar, a tin or an item of clothing. Look at the label. What does it tell you?

Labels on food products tell you what its ingredients and nutritional value are. Labels on clothes tell you its brand, where it was manufactured and how to care for that item of clothing.

Sometimes labels tell you what that particular item is…I remember as a child picking up a loose item of clothing at a shop and thinking it was one half of a pair of legwarmers (yes, this was wayyyyy back in the early 1980s). Then I found an identical item still in its packaging, the label of which told me it was actually a boob tube, you know, the stretchy lycra-type thingy that women wear around their torsos instead of a blouse or shirt. Perhaps better known as a “bandeau”. Well, silly me! In my defence, I was only 10 or 11 then, and still boobless, so how could I have known? πŸ˜„

You know marmalade is made from oranges. But you also know it may have varying amounts of sweeteners in it. It could have lemons or lime added to it. Or ginger. It could be a “Lite” or reduced sugar or diabetic marmalade. If all marmalade were exactly the same, there would be no need for branding or labels.

But not all marmalade’s the same. And not all labels or brands are the same. Prices range from “penny pincher” to “supermarket savvy” to “luxury item”. Even the packaging is as varied as the types of marmalade you can buy. Some marmalade look darker than others. Even their consistencies can vary, from wibbly wobbly jelly welly, to so firm you could hold the jar upside down and it wouldn’t fall out. Some marmalade have bits of peel suspended in them. There are even variations in the orange peel – from bits to shreds to chunks. Even the shredded peel have variations within themselves, from straight cut to curly or spirals. I’ve even come across marmalade with flakes of gold in it…only for the super-rich, of course, just because they can.

My point is, marmalade can be a metaphor for human beings. We are a different and unique. We all have our little quirks. What Life throws at us, and what sticks, is what makes us who we are. Even identical twins cannot be completely identical clones of each other. Every single second that we’re here changes us from a microscopic level, with knock-on effects on a macroscopic level.

Like right now, as I lie on my bed typing this post on my Samsung Galaxy Note 4. My bum is slowly going to sleep, and I know if I don’t get up and walk about soon, I’ll have pins and needles in my tush. No worries, though, as right now my dogs, Scruffy and Shelagh, have decided that they want to go out, and Scruffy is licking my toes while Shelagh is trying to get her muzzle between my face and the Note 4’s touchscreen.

I’d better post this now, then go see what I can have for breakfast. I hope there’s still some marmalade left.

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If Dogs Could Talk

I’m currently studying for a Diploma in Canine Psychology, so I apologise that this post is NOT going to be a serious one. It’s NOT scientific. It’s NOT based on what I’ve read for my course. It’s just some funny stuff I found on Google Images, to lighten your day.

Dogs have a unique language all their own, and we humans are still trying to decipher what they’re saying. Because dogs don’t use words, and humans are word oriented, we’re having a hard time learning their body language. Some day we’ll crack the code. But for now, let’s just enjoy making up memes of what our dogs would say if they could talk. People are so creative!

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Dawn Chorus

I’m really tired during the Summer months, here in Western Australia. I blame the birds, yes I do. One bird in particular. I’ve never seen it, but I hear it alright. Oh, do I hear it!!

It must have its roost or nest up in the big tree just outside our front wall. When Summer swings round, this bloody thing starts its infernal singing earlier and earlier, beating even the Sun’s arrival. Yes, it sings and sings and sings…from about 0345 in the morning.

When my ex and I were still sharing our bed (we’re talking more than 2 years ago now), I used to have ear plugs in every single night, if I wanted to get any sleep. More often than not, his snoring would penetrate through my ear plugs. Heck, it even penetrated through a pillow held over my ears AND my earplugs. I was resigned to wearing ear plugs at night for the rest of my life…then his infidelity and the aftermath of my many other discoveries and confrontations led to him moving into his music studio, and I was able to reclaim my freedom, personal space and restful nights of sleep.

I’m so used to not needing ear plugs these days. And now this. Bloody bird!! To add insult to injury, this pest will sing and sing, and slowly but surely, other birds will add to it, and pretty soon there’s a raucous Question & Answer session going on, like a heated debate in the Houses of Parliament.

But damned if I’m going to go back to wearing ear plugs!!

It all stops and goes quiet suddenly at 0500. Right smart, like a military drill. I guess by that time the whole neighbourhood has been woken up, and the birds, feeling like a good job done, fly off for the day.

Yay, you think. I can go back to sleep now. Not so…because at 0530 I’ve to be up anyway, to open and close the gate when the ex leaves to go to work. Yes, he’s back living under the same roof as me, but pretty much doing his own thing. His work away from home has dried up, so now he’s working locally and coming home every evening. Until he gets another job that takes him away for weeks at a time, hopefully in the new year.

Then there’s the palaver of waking The Kid up and making sure he doesn’t take forever to get ready for school. He’s the only person I know who can change into a pair of shorts and a shirt, and put on socks and shoes in 30. Minutes, not seconds. I don’t know why it takes him so long…in that time I’ve already fed the cat, the hens, Japanese quail, budgies, weiros, Koi fish, tropical fish and the 2 dogs.

So yeah, these days I feel like a mother with a newborn baby. When I’m tired and hankering after an afternoon nap, who should arrive at the gate but the ex or The Kid, home from school. If The Kid has homework or revision to do, I’m obliged to help him, of course. If I try for a nap after that, the dog and her internal clock starts nagging me to go swimming. Then there’s the whole dinner scenario, followed by some TV, reading then bed…generally by 2200. I hope for a good night’s sleep, to fully recharge my batteries.

But the only battery that gets fully recharged is the one in my mobile phone.

Dawn chorus: Hello, is it me you’re looking for? πŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸ˜„

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(I found this on Pinterest while searching for a suitable picture or quote to accompany this post. It’s Swedish).

ONE IS WONDERFUL

The breakdown of my marriage has taught me several things. Things that I’m grateful for, and that I actually thank my dearest darling (ex)husband for, because if he hadn’t decided to taste the Forbidden Fruit become a Frequent Diner at the Bar of the Forbidden Fruit last year, and if I hadn’t discovered the true extent of his infidelity and lies, I would never have embarked on my own voyage of self-discovery. So yes, strange as it may seem, I’m grateful that what happened, happened.

So, while he indulges in wanton acts of debauchery, both virtual and in real life, I’ve turned inwards instead. While he looks for happiness in the pleasures of the flesh, I’ve found my own Happiness within. While he whispers sweet nothings to his many online girlfriends, I’m looking after my own Mind, Body and Spirit. While he posts up photos of himself with leggy exotic dancers wrapped around him like a boa constrictor, with their sinuous tongues writhing in his ear, and his similarly febrile-minded friends cheer him on without a care for discretion or morals, I’m busy studying so I can get a job doing what I love, and hopefully be financially independent of him in the not too distant future.

And while he has resumed online communications with the American Cougar that first started wrecking our marriage in 2012, I’m pleased to report that I too, have fallen in love. I’ve learnt to love Myself. And it’s a simply wonderful feeling to wake up each morning and feel happy just to be on my own, and throughout the day to appreciate my own uniqueness, creativity, compassion, etc and then in the evening to curl up on the couch with my own company, my dogs at my feet, a good book and a nice hot cup of tea before bedtime. Bliss!

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So, it’s become very clear to me that my dear darling husband and I are heading in totally opposite directions. He to hedonistic hotspots in Hell. Me to pastures far greener than I’ve ever imagined. It is what it is. We make our own destinies.

I was in conversation with one of hubby’s ex-girlfriends, (yes, I’m That sort of wife who would not only strike up a friendship with her husband’s girlfriends, but also help them out of sticky situations he’s left them in. My life bears some similarities to the film “The Other Woman“, though of course I can’t compete with Cameron Diaz and her female co-stars in the looks department, and He for sure doesn’t look at all like Nicolaj Coster-Waldau, but more like a pill-shaped Minion. I’m referring to the idea that the Wife and Mistresses could become friends).

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So, this particular Other Woman. She said to me, “If you know of any man looking for a wife, tell him about me, please. I need to find a man to make me happy”. You know, I had to laugh at the absurdity of it. First of all, I don’t make it a point to go looking for men or relationships anymore. Hubby finds that hard to believe, but that’s just because of where he is right now as a person, what he’s addicted to.

Secondly, even if I did know of a man looking for a wife, this Other Woman would not come highly recommended. Not at all. After all, hasn’t she already proven that being faithful is not one of her virtues? That she doesn’t believe in the sanctity of marriage, hands off married men, don’t even go there? Oh, the irony! No use saying you were only “Practising my English”, dahling.

Thirdly, (Heterosexual) Ladies, listen up. You Don’t Need A Man to be Happy. Happiness does not rely on finding Mr Perfect (who, by the way, is just a figment of your imagination). Happiness is right here, right now, in Yourself. Learn to love Yourself first, and everything else falls in line, as Lucille Ball once said. That yearning ache in your heart, that lonely feeling, that hole in your chest? That’s not going to be filled by a Man. That is actually your Soul telling yourself to look within and you will find the Happiness you were searching for.

Now, I say this to my fellow Sisters of the World, you who have spent countless hours, days and nights fretting about how to “tame” your man so he behaves himself and isn’t tempted to stray (again). Remember that if he wants to change, nothing can stop him. But if he doesn’t want to change, he will have a million excuses. And remember also that You CANNOT change a man, only he can change himself. And that it takes a Great Man to accept that he’s flawed/made a big mistake and needs to change. Minions need not apply.

One is Wonderful because One is Loved by Oneself.
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Damaged Goods (An Allegory)

Excuse me, said the man
I’d like to return this item

Oh, why is that? Asked the storekeeper

It’s damaged, said the man
I’ve used it a few times
It’s in perfect working order
But now I have a problem with it

Oh, how is that? Asked the storekeeper

Well, let me list it, said the man

One. The colour is not quite right
I bought it thinking it was purple
But my friends tell me it’s lavender
Or mauve, or lilac
I wanted purple purple

Two. It’s an older model
I thought it was this year’s
But it’s actually last year’s
So its lifespan won’t be as good
I need a brand spanking newer model

Three. It’s not the right shape
To fit in with my home decor
I need it to be exactly right
To blend in and not stick out
This one’s too round, not masculine

Four. The size is not right either
I can’t find the right place for it
It’s either too big or too small
For where I want to put it
My friends will laugh at me

Oh, I see. Anything else?
Asked the storekeeper

Not really, said the man
Can I have an exchange or a refund?
If you don’t have the correct
Colour
Age
Shape
Size
I’ll settle for a refund

Well, let me see
Said the storekeeper
You came here last year
With your friends
And you spent hours trying out
All my merchandise
You even took selfies
You discussed how it would look
In your home
You went over every
Colour
Age
Shape
Size
That you could find
You tested out every single function
And then, with your friends
You chose this very item
That you’re now trying to return to me
Well, I’m sorry
The Store’s policy is that
We only accept returns for
Damaged goods
Goods which are not working
Due to a fault
Or goods that need repairing

We do not accept returns
Simply because you
Got bored with it
Or you’ve seen something newer
It’s not this year’s trending colour
It doesn’t fit your home decor
Or your friends are laughing at you
So deal with it, buddy
Take your First World problems elsewhere

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Now apply this to your everyday life. What are you not happy about? Is it the fault of the object or person, or is it merely a reflection of your own thoughts? Did you make a mistake in choosing something? If so, be big enough to admit it and take steps to rectify the situation. Take responsibility for your actions, instead of trying to pin the blame on everything and everyone else. The world does not revolve around you, it truly doesn’t, so don’t just stand there expecting it to.

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